John Green was born in Solihull in 1962. He attended the LSE, Bedford College, and Salford University, but he much preferred Streetsbrook Infants School: it had a sandpit. Career highlights have included stints as a hotel dishwasher, van driver, factory labourer, court coverer at Wimbledon, stagehand for the Chippendales, sociology teacher, and several traumatic appearances as standup comic Derek Saliva ('the name on everybody's lips'). As research for his next unpublished novel, John is currently a nine-year-old boy named Jonathan living in Ireland. He is also the editor of a reputable online reference database, and blogs at Counago and Spaves, McManus, and Manuel Stimulation.
Why do you blog? > It's a great way to meet people without having to make eye contact. And, of course, there are the ASBOs.
What would be your main blogging advice to a novice blogger? > Don't start what you can't fini
Who are your cultural heroes? > Sisyphus, Tim Henman, Shergar.
What is the best novel you've ever read? > Tintin and the Racial Stereotypes.
Can you name a major moral, political or intellectual issue on which you've ever changed your mind? > Free will. I had to battle against my genes for decades to become the fatalist I am today.
What philosophical thesis do you think it most important to disseminate? > Never trust a man who jokes about everything.
What philosophical thesis do you think it most important to combat? > Golf.
What is your favourite piece of political wisdom? > Power Corrupts, and Absolute Power is a shite movie by Clint Eastwood.
If you could choose anyone, from any walk of life, to be Prime Minister, who would you choose? > Pob.
What do you consider to be the main threat to the future peace and security of the world? > Next door's dogs.
What would be your most important piece of advice about life? > 'If at first you don't succeed, fuck it' - Lenny the Bruce.
Do you think you could ever be married to, or in a long-term relationship with, someone with radically different political views from your own? > Actually, I am, but she has no idea at all about my clandestine fascist activities.
What do you consider the most important personal quality? > Gravitas.
What personal fault do you most dislike? > Hairy ankles.
In what circumstances would you be willing to lie? > Blog profiles.
Do you have any prejudices you're willing to acknowledge? > Crabs. I just don't like the way they look at us.
What is your favourite proverb? > 'Many hands make light aircraft.'
What, if anything, do you worry about? > The shadowy forces influencing England managerial appointments.
If you were to relive your life to this point, is there anything you'd do differently? > I'd start younger.
What would you call your autobiography? > Messiah.
Who would play you in the movie about your life? > As a small boy, George Burns; as a grown man, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar; as an aging patriarch, Janeane Garofalo.
What is your most treasured possession? > My money.
If you had to change your first name, what would you change it to? > Soylent.
What talent would you most like to have? > I'd like to be seductive while retaining my Brummie accent.
Who is your favourite comedian or humorist? > God. A very dark, cynical sense of humour, leavened by a penchant for slapstick.
Who are your sporting heroes? > Sisyphus, Shergar.
Which English Premiership football team do you support? > Does Aston Villa still count?
If you could have one (more or less realistic) wish come true, what would you wish for? > Multicoloured, visible farts. They would do for pomposity what blogs have done for... erm... pomposity.
If you could have any three guests, past or present, to dinner who would they be? > Lester Piggott, Catherine the Great, Shergar.
What animal would you most like to be? > I don't understand this question. I am an animal. Just not a very good one.
[The normblog profile is a weekly Friday morning feature. A list of all the profiles to date, and the links to them, can be found here.]