Irish notes

Being as it's St. Patrick's Day, my Irish roots and my Irish soul dictate that I begin by sharing these with you:

Pub Etiquette: Your failure to "put your hand in your pocket" will be noticed. People will mention it the moment you leave the room. The reputation of not being someone who "stands his round" will follow you to the grave, whereafter it will attach to your offspring and possibly theirs as well.

Weather: It is often said that the Irish are a Mediterranean people who only come into their own when the sun shines on consecutive days (which it last did around the time of St Patrick). For this reason, Irish people dress for conditions in Palermo rather than Dublin; and it is not unusual in March to see young people sipping cool beer outside city pubs and cafes, enjoying the air and the soft caress of hailstones on their skin. The Irish attitude to weather is the ultimate triumph of optimism over experience. Every time it rains, we look up at the sky and are shocked and betrayed.

Time: Ireland has two time-zones (1) Greenwich Mean Time and (2) "local" time. Local time can be anything between ten minutes and three days behind GMT, depending on the position of the earth and the whereabouts of the man with the keys to the hall. Again, the Irish concept of time has been influenced by the thinking of 20th century physicists, who hold that it can only be measured by reference to another body and can even be affected by factors of acceleration. For instance, a policeman entering a licensed premises in rural Ireland late at night is a good example of another body from whom it can be reliably inferred that it is in fact closing time.

Dancing: There are two main kinds of Irish dancing (1) Riverdance, which is now simultaneously running in every major city in the world except Ulan Bator and which some economists believe is responsible for the Irish economic boom; and (2) real Irish dancing, in which men do not wear frilly blouses and you still may not express yourself, except in a written note to the adjudicators.

Gaelic Games: The definition of hurling as "the fastest game on earth" was first issued by a Cork man to an American tourist when he said "it's like a cross between ice hockey and murder."

Sign posting: In most countries, road signs are used to help motorists get from one place to another. In Ireland, it's not so simple. Sign posting here is heavily influenced by Einstein's theories (either that or the other way round) of space/time, and works on the basis that there is no fixed reference point in the universe, or not west of Mullingar anyway. Instead, location and distance may be different for every observer and, frequently, for neighbouring road-signs. The good news is Language. Ireland is officially bilingual, a fact which is reflected in the road-signs. This allows you to get lost in both Irish and English.

Clothes: Visitors to Ireland in mid-March often ask, "What clothes should I bring?" The answer is "All of them!"

Religion: Ireland remains a deeply religious country where the two main denominations are "us" and "them". Everyone knows instinctively to which you belong, so it is unlikely you will ever be asked. But if you are, the correct answer is "I'm an atheist, thank God," and immediately change the subject. There is a small Jewish community in Ireland, but even they have split into "us" and "them" so do not say you are Jewish - you will immediately be asked if you are a Catholic Jew or a Protestant Jew.

In the version I've been sent, the final entry varies from the one behind the link. (Hat tip: L/T.)