The year was 1974. Esther Wilberforce-Packard was born in hospital with mild jaundice. She has lived in the middle United States ever since. She has accomplished very little of note. She is not married and has no offspring. She blogs primarily at Topic Drift and, for aficionados, at ZoeTracker 3000.
Why do you blog? > I live in order to blame. I blame in order to teach. I teach in order to transform. I transform in order to destroy. I destroy in order to blame. Occasionally, I blog. It is the middle path. It is the way of the Tao.
What would be your main blogging advice to a novice blogger? > Don't aim. Try to work within the vacuum. There is no point in trying to be truthful about personal hygiene.
Who are your cultural heroes? > All ideology aside, I've always admired Susan Sontag's skunk stripe.
What is the best novel you've ever read? > Lucky Jim.
What is your favourite poem? > The one that goes, 'Western wind, when will thou blow / The small rain down can rain?' Specifically, I like the bit about being in my bed again.
What is your favourite movie? > Young Einstein.
What is your favourite song? > I can't recall the title - that Sean Paul tune, that one that refers to sex? Yes. That's the one.
What philosophical thesis do you think it most important to combat? > 'Man is born free, but everywhere he is in chains.' Hogwash.
What is your favourite piece of political wisdom? > A healthy dog does not soil his den.
What would you do with the UN? > I would remove a leaf from my notebook and sketch a pie chart. Which nation-states deserve to live within the bailey? Which nation-states ought we bind and drop into the moat? My pie chart will clarify all in an instant.
What do you consider to be the main threat to the future peace and security of the world? > I think we can all agree that it's down to childhood obesity, binge drinking, and Iran. It follows that the West must secure a peaceful Middle East by introducing high-calorie snacks to Iranian schools while encouraging a relentless Iranian drink culture.
Do you think the world (human civilization) has already passed its best point, or is that yet to come? > Neither. I believe that we peak once every four hours, often at mealtimes.
What would be your most important piece of advice about life? > Similar to my advice to a novice blogger, but with an emphasis on dressing to suit the occasion.
Do you think you could ever be married to, or in a long-term relationship with, someone with radically different political views from your own? > Absolutely not.
What do you consider the most important personal quality? > A strong aversion to spontaneous singing, dancing, or clapping.
What personal fault do you most dislike? > Insincerity.
Do you have any prejudices you're willing to acknowledge? > I harbour a prejudice against ear candling. Don't put objects in your ears, my friends. And if you must put objects in your ears, don't set them aflame.
What is your favourite proverb? > 'An ass does not appreciate fruit compote.' While this is technically a proverb, I prefer to think of it as more of a literal injunction to feign respect for fruit compote.
What commonly enjoyed activities do you regard as a waste of time? > Live music. Requests for iced water.
What, if anything, do you worry about? > Centipedes; contamination; inadvertently eating glass or a fractured fork tine.
If you were to relive your life to this point, is there anything you'd do differently? > While I would do nothing differently, I would compress 1994-2005 into two or three years, thereby clearing some space for studying the womanly arts of scrap-booking and bustle-sorting.
What would you call your autobiography? > I'd call it The Autobiography of Malcolm X, Abridged. I would, by necessity, expunge all interior mention of Malcolm X, and append a bit of my own life story.
Who would play you in the movie about your life? > A previously unknown actress who would recede into obscurity just as the DVD arrives in the shops.
What do you like doing in your spare time? > I sit about listlessly eating candy.
What would be your ideal choice of alternative profession or job? > Time-travelling flâneur.
Which English Premiership football team do you support? > All of them. Organized sport, what an excellent idea. Would that I had thought of it first.
If you could have one (more or less realistic) wish come true, what would you wish for? > A showerhead that does not regularly fall into the tub.
How, if at all, would you change your life were you suddenly to win or inherit an enormously large sum of money? > Let's hope it never comes to this.
If you could have any three guests, past or present, to dinner who would they be? > Kingsley Amis, Steve Irwin and the prophet Jonah.
What animal would you most like to be? > A mammal with no known predators but man. Also, I'd like to be invisible while retaining my ability to trigger dander allergies.
[The normblog profile is a weekly Friday morning feature. A list of all the profiles to date, and the links to them, can be found here.]
